


First, Second, Third (or, an endless list of 'if only's)

by myhomeistheshire



Category: The Librarians (TV 2014)
Genre: Angst, F/M, I'M SORRY THIS JUST KEEPS HAPPENING, Jake POV, So much angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-12
Updated: 2015-01-12
Packaged: 2018-03-07 06:12:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 455
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3164261
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/myhomeistheshire/pseuds/myhomeistheshire
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The first time you kiss her, it’s harsh and brief and it’s all the <i>I need you</i>s you haven’t been able to say</p>
            </blockquote>





	First, Second, Third (or, an endless list of 'if only's)

**Author's Note:**

> I feel like I should just stop apologizing for angst and you should just assume that whatever I write is going to be terrible and awful and everyone is going to die and be unhappy and wHY DO I KEEP DOING THIS TO MYSELF.  
> Also, the designated song for this fic is 'Stakes' by Vancouver Sleep Clinic. (LISTEN TO IT. IT'S AMAZING AND BEAUTIFUL AND IT WILL MAKE YOU CRY IF YOU WEREN'T ALREADY).

When you find the library, you aren’t excited. What you’re feeling is something beyond that - a feeling of finding a home you didn’t know you were missing. You think you might have found everything you ever needed.

  
  


 

Your life changes over the next few months, slips around _not yet - but someday_ and _she’s the one who let them in_ and _Cassandra, listen to me._ You never thought you needed anyone but now you find yourself wondering how long she has left. How long until the ticking time-bomb inside her skull explodes, taking you all with her.

  
  


 

You try to ignore it. But when you’re holding her in your arms she smells like vanilla and buttercups and you can’t help but think that maybe if you hold her hard enough she’ll be able to stay. Because if there’s one thing this world needs it’s Cassandra, and if there’s one thing you need, well, maybe it’s the same.

  
  


 

The first time you kiss her, it’s harsh and brief and it’s all the _I need you_ s you haven’t been able to say. You pull back. You should never have done that (you don’t need her, you don’t need anyone. Because if you need her and you lose her you’re going to drown.)

  
  


 

You can’t remember when _I learned my lesson_ turned into this desperate throbbing behind your lungs, and you didn’t ask for this but neither did she, and you find yourself walking away when she’s too close because you’re afraid of what you might not stop yourself from doing.

  
  


 

The second time you kiss her is when you’re all out celebrating at a bar and maybe you get a little hammered and maybe you go outside and maybe she follows you out and maybe you say things like _I want you_ and _I need you_ and maybe she leans up on her tiptoes and kisses you, slowly, softly, before walking away.

  
  


 

You watch her. Every time she comes into the room you wonder how she would feel crushed against your skin, every time she smiles you want to be the reason. Every time she falls, you wonder how you’re going to breathe when she’s gone.

  
  


 

_You can’t stop it_ , she tells you, and maybe that’s the part that scares you the most. Your whole life, you’ve been able fit everything into neat little boxes.

 

Up until Cassandra. Up until the brain grape.

  
  


 

You can feel yourself breaking, day by day - shattering into fragments of something that used to be a person.

 

(You need her. You need her, and you love her, and she’s going to leave you.)

  
  
  


 

 

The third time you kiss her, you’re standing over a hospital bed, and she’s somewhere in between the stars.

 

 


End file.
